The Diaries of Cordelia Chan

Carnelian - 22 ^nd Maivich PF5

The first thing of note about my father's pattern is that it feels much warmer than the pattern in Amber. I don't mean warmer as in the sense of hotter, but warmer as more welcoming, more comfortable. I'd barely made half a dozen steps when a figure started to coaleasce at approximately the point where the first veil should be. I kept going knowing how difficult it would be to start walking again if I stopped. I'd taken about half a dozen more steps before it solidified and started walking, although that's my only way of expressing it's movement, towards me. It appeared to be able to ignore all the boundary lines of the pattern. It took me seveal seconds to recognize the figure as a version of my father several years older than when I'd last seen him. He appeared to be crying.

"I am right, it is you Cordie isn't it. You've grown so much since I last saw you. I should have come and seen you after the end of the war, but I was so devasted to find out about Merlin, and what with everything else I just never got around to it."

"I don't know who you think you are but you can just piss off back to which ever hole you've just crawled out of. I'm not in the mood for cuddly reunions with spectres of arrogant bastards, even if they resemble my father, who disappear for 15 years without a trace, and then offer 'I just never got around to it' as a feeble excuse for the reason why when they do."

"I'm sorry Li Feng I really am, and you have every right to be angry with me, but I didn't have a choice all those years ago. That night I left I thought I was only going to be gone for a couple of days, after which I'd be able to come back and make it up to you. But everything went pear shaped and I got stuck in prison. By the time I got out things were much worse, and by the time everything got resolved you were a grown woman. Then I found out about Merlin. You haven't seen him have you. It must be at least a year since he's been here."

 "Don't ever do that again. You'll die, even here. No this is not a mind game. I'm an echo of myself the last time I walked this pattern here although I can do things here that no ordinary pattern ghost could. I suppose it's because my blood is at the very heart of this pattern."

"So if you're just an echo how long is it since the real you actually physically walked this pattern?"

"Several years. I can feel the real me but I don't know where I am. I've been forgetting a lot recently. But you didn't answer my question about your brother."

"He's not my brother. He's my half-brother. And other than I know I have one I've never met him and now I doubt if I ever will." I was now crying.

"Cordie. Please. Please don't cry. Apart from anything else your tears will disrupt the pattern. You'll see him, I'm sure you will."

"You're just saying that to try and cheer me up."

"No. No. I'm telling you because it's true. He's not dead, I know that. If he were I'd know that too."

"Then where is he?"

"I don't actually know. I just know he's not dead. Anyway why haven't you met him, surely Random would have introduced you, just after the war."

"We'll until three months ago, I didn't know anything of Amber, of Random, of Fiona, or even of who you really were, and certainly nothing about all this." I opened my arms and indicated the vast expase of the pattern.

"But I left word, and a letter. Three months you say."

"Yes, three bloody months. I've spent most of it running errands for Random. Ferry this here, ferry that there. Fix this problem, here, fuckup that situation there. I've been fucked up, down, and sidways, blown up by shadow storms, met creatures from mythology, and nearly been killed by Logrus tendrils."

"That's a  lot for three months, and could you please calm down and moderate you language. Young ladies shouldn't talk that way."

"Well since I'm not a young lady I'll speak how I bloody well please. Young ladies don't have to work their arses off to get through colledge,  extracate themselves from the grip of the Triads, or kill Yakuza thugs."

"You are a young lady, what ever you've been through, being my daughter makes you one. That should also entitle you to take things a little easier"

"I think you're time here has addled your brains. The universe that I live in is somewhat different from what you remember. I just don't have time to take it easy. It's not bloody easy trying to learn about the pattern and trump whilst the universe is trying it's hardest to fucking kill you. And just when I thought everything had been straightned out it appears as if its going to fuck me over again. So No  I don't have that luxuary of being able to take things easy.. I can't even go home."

"Why not?"

"Becasuse if I did it's more than likely that somebody will attempt blow me up."

"That's tosh. You're perfectly safe in Amber. Explosives don't work there."

"That's a fucking lie and you know it. Conventional explosives don't work in Amber, but you invented one that does, and now somebody's let the djinni out of it's bottle."

"Sorry you've now completely lost me. You'll have to explain. I only know what's happening in the great folds of shadow, if somebody comes and walks the pattern."

"Well I'm walking it.Well I was. So why do I need to explain anything?"

"Because you've not reached the third veil yet, which means there's not an image of you stored in the pattern. And whilst we're on the subject shouldn't you get moving, otherwise you won't have the stamina to cross the third veil, and I'll not be responsible for the death of my own daughter."

He gave me a none too gentle shove, and I started walking again, more out of spite than anything else; I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction. "Can't you just give me a piggy back or teleport me to the middle?"

"Unfortunately not. There are some limits I have no control over. Anyway you were about to explain the relavence of your last statement."

"It's simple, somebody else, other than yourself and Random, knows how to make your explosive. With that knowledge they tried to blow Bleys and a good friend of mine up this morning."

"Damn. I knew there were always risks in creating the stuff, which is why I went to so much trouble to hide things."

"What like publishing your diaries under a pseudoname?"

"I didn't. I sent them to a friend for safe keeping."

"Well whatever you intended, they were published, years and years ago. I found a copy quite easily after Random told me about them. I've an electronic copy on my notebook in my pack."

"So if that's the case why hasn't it been done before?"

"I don't know, and neither do Random, Bleys, Fiona, nor Benedict. They don't even know who's behind all this. Also the published version doesn't specify the exact ratio of the ingredients, so it may have taken some time for the perpitrator to have worked out the correct fornulation. Whatever the reason, it's irrelavent now and it doesn't alter my present circumstances."

"So where are you going to go now then?"

"Several places, mainly by sea, for the next 14 days or so."

"Is that it? I'm your father. It'd be nice to know what you're doing."

"Well in about half an hour you'll be able to ask me all about it won't you? I'll be gone by then."

"Not in the least. Your pattern ghost, should I chose to manifest it, whilst knowing what you know would most likely react in the same way you do. Therefore if you're not going to tell me it's unlikely your ghost would either."

"So if I tell you something, and then the real you walks the pattern, does the real you learn what you know?"

"Only if I tell myself."

I walked on in silence, crossing the second veil before either of us spoke again.

"Are you going to do that all the way to the middle?"

"Do what?"

"Hover/float/walk just to the side of me"

"Does my presence bother you then? I can always go."

"I didn't mean it like that. It's just.... well you're a bit of a distraction. It wasn't so bad when you had something to say."

"It takes two to hold a conversation. I assumed that as you hadn't said anything you wanted to concentrate. You did drive the previous discussion in to a dead end."

"Didn't. You chose to interpret it that way. Anyway your sudden resurrection after 15 years has given me yet another problem to think about."

"You're not the only one. I missed watching you mature, taking you to Amber, watching you walk the Pattern, teaching you about it."

"I think it's a bloody good job you weren't around for that. There were enough repercussions as it was. Strange this pattern doesn't trigger the same responses."

"Now you've completely lost me again."

"I'm not sure I should be discussing this with you. It's not exactly the sort of thing a girl would discuss with her father, or even want him to know about."

"You're talking double dutch again."

"Okay, how do I put this, the Pattern in Amber has a particular side effect on me. It happened when I walked it for the first time, and it happens every time I manage to unlock another of it's secrets and learn to do something new with it."

"I'm still no nearer comprehending what you're on about."

"You want me to spell it out then. Alright. It sends my sex drive into fucking warp drive. The longer I leave doing anything about it, the worse the effect becomes, and the more it takes to reduce it back to normal."

"I see. Actually I don't really, not having been around through your teenage years. I sort of missed most of your rebellious years, your first boyfriend, the first time you wanted a boyfriend to sleep over, the first time one you brought home, and all your relationships between then and now, so I can't gauge how much of a problem what you've said might be."

"Well seeing as it's you, the morning after I walked the pattern there were three stable hands in the stables. After an hour they were all flat out exhausted. I on the otherhand could have gone on for another hour or so quite happily, and I'm not talking about being tired either. And just so you know, my mother gave me her book just before my sixteenth birthday."

"She gave you that book?"

"What did you expect her to do with it? It took me about a year to read it, although it took a little longer to translate all the passages fully, and slightly longer still to understand it all, but I pretty much knew it backwards by the time I was twenty. I've added a few things myself since then, a few very recently."

"And the three stable hands?"

"Several times each."

"I can see how it might be a problem then. And this happens every time?"

"No only when I learn to do something new, or walk a different pattern. The worst I can remember was when we got hit by the Shadow Storm.  I sort of ravaged my travelling companion come body guard. But that hasn't been the worse incident, the worst one I don't remember much about."

"Why not? If you can remember it happening surely you can remember the details, or do you chose to forget it?"

"No. The Illiarri I was with at the time supressed the memory, as much as for my own sanity as anything else. I'm not sure I actually want to know what happened. I do know there were five Illiarri involved and four guys, one of which is my current flame. Even after that it took me another 12 hours to come down."

"I hope you killed them all."

"Who?"

"The Xilrokal who else."

"No. And don't use that name."

"Why? It's what they are."

"No, it's what a small percentage become if they're forced into sexual exploitation when they're too young. It's like saying all humans are cocain addicts."

"How do you know this is the truth and not some fancy lie spun by those you've met or that they haven't planted an engram so you believe what you are saying is the truth."

"Without letting Fiona rummage through my head I can't prove it either way, but it's what my instincts tell me is the truth, and my specific connection to one of them, for reasons that are as yet unclear, also reinforces this belief."

"What do you mean by connection? There is nothing in your aura that indicates any form of external influence."

"It's a long story but the two of us are very much connected. The closer we are together the more we can sense what the other is doing, especially if either of us is making love, which can be really inconvenient."

"We're it me I'd be trying to work out why and doing something about it, like killing her."

"Apart from the fact I have no reason to, and the fact she's a good friend, I think if I did it'd be like committing suicide."

"Don't see how."

"Well shortly before I walked the Tyr N'gth pattern, I was lured by what appeared to be a multicoloured bird, which turned out to be a phoenix, into a corridor of mirrors. At the end of it was my friend, or at least an image of her in her true form. She, or her image attacked me, but after I defeated it, it was me lying dead in the corridor."

"Well that certainly puts a different perspective on things, although those images may not mean what you think they do, it's so difficult to determine what they mean until after the event. I know too well from experience."

I could see now the third veil approaching. "I suppose it's goodby then. I shall be out of here shortly."

"I prefer aureviour. I take it I'll be seeing you again, even if I can't convince you to tell me where you're going."

"I can't tell you where I'm going since I don't know, at least in terms of  being able to give it a name or location in shadow. I only know where I want to go in terms of a set of parameteres. Once I've been there then I'll be able to give it a name and a location."

"Perhaps I should have phrased things a little differently, perhaps telling me what your general plans were for say the next month whould be more appropriate."

"Is that month as in my home shadow, or month as in Amber, or month as in time here?"

"Do you always anser questons with questions?"

"Only when I have insufficent information to determine what the appropriate answer may be."

"So does that mean you always give people the answers they want to hear?"

"No. Quiet often it's just the opposite. But you haven't answered my quesion either."

"What question?"

"Never mind. Have a nice year."

I was now standing in the quiet relief of the center of the pattern, with my father's pattern ghost standing a few feet way. What's more I didn't have the slighest desire to go screw the brains out of anything. I cleared my mind and assembled the parameters of the shadow I was looking for. I had a vague feeling of motion before I found myself on the dockside of a vaguely oriental looking port.

Unlike Caijing this dockside was densely packed and crowded, as was the portion of the city beyond I could make out. Wooden buildings, of no more than four storeys were packed into every conceiveable space, including jutting out into the sea on stilts. Not only was the place packed with dock workers and carts, but with lifting dericks, and where ever I looked piles of timber either in uncut log form, cut stacks, or bundle form. About 10 feet from where I stood a brightly coloured sign above a door, proclaimed 'Chan Shipping". To my left down a crowded pontoon 2 five masted junks bearing  phoenix and rose emblems were moored. They appeared to be in the final stages of loading.

I'd been there for perhaps a minute when a man appeared from the door way to my right. He looked a little surprised to see me. "Miss Chan. Forgive me, but we weren't expecting you for another hour. Why don't you come into the office, whilst I confer with Captains Han and Lee."

I followed him through the door and up two flights of stairs to the first floor. Like the offices of Gara-Ault Trading in Hygria, most of the floor was open plan, with clerks working at cluttered desks. Beyond the clerks, along the front of the building were 2 offices, one considerably larger than the other. 

Having escorted me across the room he opened the door to the larger office, moved several piles of papers off the sofa and occasional table, before excusing himself and retreating back the way we'd come. As he started to descend the stairs, a young girl of perhaps 13 entered the office carrying a tray on which was a steaming kettle, a tea pot, a pot of leaves, two cinnamon sticks, and 2 cups. She placed the tray on the table then knelt beside it waiting.

Not desiring to sit just yet, I dropped my pack onto the sofa, removed my jacket, and walked across to look out the windows. They were in desperate need of cleaning. "You can pour the tea. I'll have cinnamon. I'll drink it when its cooled a little. Then you may go."

There was a knock on the open door. "Yes?"

"Gracious apologies Miss Chan, but we've no fresh rice cakes or pastries on hand. I've set a boy to fetch some but he will be at least ten minutes."

He bowed and started to back out. "Wait. Before you go have something done about the state of the windows. They're filthy."

He bowed again. "Yes Miss Chan. I'll arrange it right away. Is there anything else I may do for you?"

"No. I think that will be all." I returned to examining the port and city beyond, from the vantage now afforded me by my eleveation.  I could now see over the piles of timber, and make out the true proliferation of masts and lifting dericks, and of warehouses sweeping away to my left. A break to my right indicated where the exit from the harbour may be, and another break at about ten o'clock indicated the point where a large river flowed into the harbour. What was most striking was that all the hills I could see appeared to be covered in dense forest.

My host, or the person who most likely was my company manager on this shadow returned about fifteen minutes later, just after the fresh batch of rice cakes and pastries arrived. According to his report loading would be completed within the hour, which meant we'd be able to catch the afternoon tide. He did enquire as to the where abouts of my remaining luggage, reminding me that all my wet weather gear, and most of my changes of clothing were in my trunks on the Endeavor. I said there had been a problem and that my luggage had been delayed. I'd travelled on ahead so as not to miss the tide. If he could suggest somewhere  I could obtain wet weather attire and other changes of clothing at short notice I'd appreciate it

He said he did and would be happy to escort me himself. I suggested that doing so might not be the best use of his time, and that given directions surely the girl would be able to guide me. He concurred and said he'd send for a taipan. I said it'd take much less time if I walked, which took him aback somewhat. Apparently ladies didn't walk on the docks.

I told him that this one did and what's more could adequatey take care of herself. To settle the matter I picked up my jacket and walked out into the open plan area. This forced him to follow me, calling for the girl, a Miss Tianyi Lin as he did so. She was first to take me Gao Zedong's on Jaiwen street, then to Zang Huifen's on Huangjiang Street. She was to ensure all bills were sent here.

As expected the walk through the docks drew a lot of attention, and we were slowed by miss Tianyi's inability to walk quickly due to her ill fitting footwear. This also meant it took much longer to get to our first destination than I would have liked. Once out of the docks we were plagued by a troop of kids whose sole intention was to relieve me of any small item they could get their hands on. They desisted and followed us at a distance after I'd knocked the third one out.

Arriving at Gao Zedong's it was obvious that it catered almost exclusively for men, but that suited me just fine. Waterproof cloaks, jackets, and trousers would fit me just as well as it would any man. When I stripped off my jeans to ensure the trousers fitted there were howls of indignation and a screen was hastily erected. I wondered what would have happened had I not been wearing any panties, although the ones I had on didn't leave a great deal to the imagination.

Having obtained what I needed to my satisfaction, I insisted on a new pair of boot to fit miss Tianyi. Having decent foot wear would make the remainder of my shopping trip a lot quicker. Whilst they located a pair for her, I arranged to have my purchases sent directly to the office along with the bill.

We left Gao Zedong's and hurried in the direction of Huangjiang street. Unlike in the case of Gao Zedong's there was very little available 'off the peg'. It was much more typical of most pre-industrial revolution societies, where almost everything, and certainly womens clothing, was made to order. What 'off-the-peg' items there were, were either returned goods, order's which had failed to be collected, or orders for which payment had not been forth coming. I sorted through the eleven garments and found three which could be quickly modified to my requirements.

Another indignations kerfuffle ensued as I stripped off to see how they fitted, and they had to send their delivery boy out back to stop him gawking. When miss Tianyi smiled at him he even blushed. Two of the dresses were far too long, even if they fitted round the body. I had one cut off just above my knees, and the second at mid thigh. Whilst the two propriortoresses frantically turned and stitched the hems, I had miss Tianyi help me with the remaining garment.

It had most likely been made for a young girl, or a small teenager as it was barely long enough to reach to the middle of my thighs. That wasn't the problem however. Whilst I have a bust, I'm certainly below mass market size and frequently have difficulty getting bra's that fit properly, however the dress had been made for somebody even smaller than me. Slitting the dress down the back seam to the waist gave me enough roon to get into it bt it was still too tight across the bust. I added two further slits inline with each breast, and tacked in a pair of medium darts. Adding a neckband with a pair of clasps enabled me to fasten the dress in place. It was then a matter of waiting for the alterations to be completed.

As time ticked by I took the decision and ordered a pair of taipan's. I didn't fancing running for the ship, and arriving back at the office sweaty and without Miss Tianyi. As it was, Mr Yang was waiting for us when we reached the office. He directed me to board the  Fengyang, Captian Han's junk, on which my pack and wet weather gear had already been loaded. No sooner had I my feet upon the deck than the gang plank was withdrawn, and the remaining lines cast off.

Mr Deng, captain Han's first mate showed me to my cabin, whilst captain Han made haste to catch the Fuyang, Captain Lee's junk. I secured my pack, wet weather gear, and dresses then went back on deck. The Fuyang was about 500 yards ahead of us and about 250 yards off the port beam. 

"Welcome aboard Miss Chan. I hope your accomodation is suitable. We'll be free of the headland in about 10 minutes, then we'll feel the south westerly that's comming in. It's going to get a little rough in an hour or there abouts."

"My accomodation is fine captain Han, and I'm not troubled by a little storm. Can you close up to 300 yards off Captain Lee's stern please and keep us there. Then signal that we're to steer a course 5 degrees west of North West."

"I can but why? The manifest says we're bound for Xingshan, which means turning south after we round the headland."

"Plans change Captain Han. I've lined up a better deal elsewhere, which means a slightly longer trip.There'll appropriate bonuses in it for yourself and the crew, and an interesting tale or two to tell to boot."

He looked at me. "If you say so Miss Chan." He began calling the crew to order whilst I went below deck again, this time to change into my wet weather gear.

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